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Halloween Time at Disneyland
(We open with Jerk at New Orleans Square in front of a giant Mickey Mouse jack-o-lantern. He has a pair of Mouse ears covered on his face.) Jerk: There's no end in sight. I'm gonna need more time. Oh! Hi. Some Jerk with a Camera here. Happy Black Friday everyone and what better way to celebrate Thanksgiving weekend than with... a Halloween episode? (chuckle) Sorry, I didn't want to post these out of order. Unfortunately, Space Mountain is already back to normal, but the Haunted Mansion will still have its holiday theming up through the end of the year. This episode was first released on October 18th, 2011 and was the first Some Jerk appearance of Jared Rosenfeld, AKA RosenHacker, who became an often-seen face on this show and whose work you can find right here (therosenhacker.wordpress.com). Enjoy and Happy (spooky voice) Black Friday- (normal) Oh, nevermind. How the hell do I get to Disneyland? (Fade out. Intro begins, only this time Jerk covers himself in a Halloween store Dracula cape and Bach's 'Toccata and Fugue' plays) Jerk: To all who run from this ghastly place, velcome. I'm... (Jerk pauses) (Cut to Jerk, still in the cape, in a meeting at a cafe table) Jerk: Alright, people. I need a Halloween nickname and I need it pronto. It's gotta be a pun, it's gotta play on the name Some Jerk with a Camera, and it's gotta be kinda clever, but not too challenging. Remember this is the internet. RosenHacker, what have you got? RosenHacker: Some Spook with a Camera? Jerk: I'd rather die of a heart attack again. Il Neige, what do you think? Il Neige: Um, Some Monster with a Backrub. Jerk: I like it, but you're fired. The Wire, hit me. (She smacks Jerk in the face) Thank you. What's your suggestion? The Wire: You should call yourself Todd Blanston. Jerk: Incorrect! You, random bystander! Bystander: Some... Jerk Lantern... with a... Jerk: You'll never bystand in this town again! Massive celebrity cameo, how would you introduce me? (Cut to a video Jerk taped previously with Weird Al Yankovic at Durham Performing Arts Center) Weird Al: This guy's totally in my video for "Perform This Way." It's Tony Goldmark! Jerk: No one would ever call me that! (back to the table) Spazzmaster, care to contribute? Spazz: (Pulling out his headphones while playing on his DOS) Sorry, what are we doing again? Jerk: Dammit, Man! You gotta give me something! Spazz: Why? (Jerk is about to say something, but ends up glaring at Spazz. Spazz gives a sarcastic spooky gesture.) Spazz: Oooh. (Jerk grunts giving the evil glare) Ooh. Scary. Jerk: By Gadfrey, that's it! (Back to the intro) Jerk: I'm Spazzmaster Has No Penis. (Title in front of the castle: Spazzmaster Has No Penis. An offended Spazz then walks in front of the frame, holding up a sign that reads: "Shut up and review something.") (Iris in on a Disneyland HalloweenTime ad with Maleficent, Hades, The Evil Queen, Captain Hook, Jafar, Cruella DeVil, Ursula, and the Queen of Hearts, all gathered in a castle dungeon in front of the fireplace.) Cruella DeVil: It's HalloweenTime, my frightful fiends, and Disneyland is ours! (Thunder and lightning as Cruella cackles evilly.) (Cut to a montage of Halloween-themed music videos, promos, and cartoons produced by Disney, set to "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Andy Williams) Jerk (v/o): Halloween, ladies and gentlemen, that time of year when even the most squeamish suburbanites finally get off their high horse and embrace the healing power of monsterism! A time when wretched Disney cuteness gets pushed aside by the villains who murder puppies, poison royalty, and possibly burn this park to the fuckin' ground! ...Until November 1st when they politely go away and let the good guys celebrate the birthday of somebody's Lord and Savior, yadda yadda yadda. (Cut to Jerk still in the cape in front of Main Street, USA) Jerk: But until then, it's the harvest, and if you want to immer-- D'OH! (he trips on his cape and falls over) Damn cape! (Cut to Jerk with the cape in a trash can in Mickey's Toontown) Jerk: And if you want to immerse yourself in a theme park environment of pure, bone-chilling terror... Visit Knott's Berry Farm. Or Universal Studios. (Cut to footage of Knott's and Universal's Halloween festivities, set to Rob Zombie's "Dragula") Jerk (v/o): '...or as they call themselves this time of year, "Knott's SCARY Farm," and "Univeral SCARE-eos,"-- oh, it's not called that? ''(It's actually Universal Studios' Halloween Horror Nights) Well, it should be. Those places actually try to scare people, while... (Cut to Not-So-Scary Halloween Parade) 'Jerk (v/o): '...Disney's is much more for little kids. And what little kid with a healthy imagination wouldn't get psyched over an event like "MICKEY'S NOT-SO-SCARY HALLOWEEN PARTY"? (Cut to a black-and-white shot of Jerk in front of the castle) '''Jerk: It wasn't just scary, kids. I can handle scary. It was not so scary. (thunder strikes) (Jerk's voice now has a slight echo to it, giving it a slightly creepy edge) ''I'm sorry, it's not an easy thing to relive. I think I might have PNSO, Post-Non-Traumatic Stress Order from just how not-so-scary it was. It was 'so' not-so-scary that just remembering it is enough to drive even the toughest man sane. (giggling maniacally) I'm sorry, I was thinking of something really funny Craig Ferguson said last week. (he adds a deeper layer to his voice, making it even more demonic) 'But I digress.' (whispering) It was not-so-scary, kids. ''(looks directly into the camera) It was not-so-scary. (It turns out he's looking directly at Rosenhacker.) Rosenhacker: So how much fun do you think I would have had? Jerk: Not much. Rosenhacker: (smiling with thumbs up) ''Yay? '''Jerk (v/o):' Now, granted, they don't call it that anymore, but I still think the name bears repeating. Disney wasn't even going after the cool little kids, they were going after the lame, scaredy-cat Chucky Finsters of the world, who think Monsters Inc. is a documentary and go to Disneyland mainly for a break from their houses being constantly vandalized. Even in this commercial, these murderous villains are just so... sub-evil. They start off saying: Cruella: Disneyland is ours! Jerk (v/o): All right! FINALLY! They're gonna use terror and intimidation to conquer the kingdom once and for a-- No, they're just gonna ride rides like all the other tourists. How disappointingly misleading. (Cut to Jerk, Il Neige, Spazz, and The Wire, all relentlessly cheery.) Jerk: Guess what, gang?! Disneyland is now OUR property! All: (cheesily throwing fists up in the air) ''Huzzah! '''Il Neige:' I'm gonna cut in line for Star Tours! (he runs off) Spazz: I'm gonna eat at the buffet for free! (he runs off) The Wire: 'I'm gonna lose my ticket and get back in again anyway! ''(she slides off) '''Jerk: ''(still cheery)'' I don't know what the word 'property' means! (Cut to a montage of Disneyland Park's Halloween decorations (which, as of 2017, have just expanded all the way into California Adventure, with the Guardians of the Galaxy nighttime overlay, and the Cars Haul-O-Ween overlay.)) Jerk (v/o): 'But, for what it's worth, the few decorations they do put up are pretty cool. As early as the tram ride from the parking garage, they show you tableaus of-- ''(cut to a statue of Mickey and Minnie as ghosts, and Goofy dressed as a skeleton) ''OH MY GOD, MICKEY AND MINNIE ARE DEAD! BELOVED CHILDREN'S ICON MICKEY MOUSE IS A LIFELESS GHOST FORCED TO WANDER THE EARTH IN LIMBO FOR ALL ETERNITY, AND SO IS HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH THE SAME LAST NAME, which is weird! WAS IT MURDER? I SUSPECT THE GHOST OF GEORGE CARLIN! ''(Cut to a George Carlin special with the lower third title "Exhibit A") 'George Carlin: '''I hope Mickey dies! I do, I hope he goddamn dies! I hope he gets ahold of some tainted cheese! ''(Cut to Jerk outside Donald's Boat in Mickey's Toontown) '''Jerk: Well, now that the mice are dead, I guess Donald Duck is the new head of Disney. Good luck at the next stockholder meeting. (Cut to a stockholder meeting with a shotgun-wielding Donald Duck throwing an angry tantrum, then a newspaper reading "Disney Stock Plummets-- Murderous Duck Blames Recession") (Cut to Jerk standing outside the Disneyland Park gates) Jerk: 'And as if all these wacky, pumpkinny Halloween decorations weren't enough -- they're not -- every year, a number of Disney rides get huge, ''(makes ghostly motions with hands) ''spooooooky Halloween makeovers, ''(drum roll), and that number is... TWO. Just two? Really? Wow! This might actually be a one-part episode... if I can keep my hilarious digressions to a minimum. Speaking of which, I read the most fascinating article on Lithuania this morning, apparently, there-- (TITLE: Three minutes later...) (Rosenhacker, Spazz, Il Neige, and the Wire are all possessed by ghosts, dancing to "Jump in the Line" by Harry Belafonte" on Main Street, USA.) (TITLE: Twenty-eight minutes later...) (Cut to an upside-down clip from one of Tony's earlier Youtube videos, "Look at the Game Show." NOTE: This sketch was filmed for his college's comedy show "Out on a Limb." It was originally a sketch called "Rehab With the Stars," but the audio was lost, so Tony filled in the blanks as only he knew how.) '''MacinTalk Announcer: '''And now, here's your amazing host, Sixty Chipmunks In a Man Suit. '''Sixty Chipmunks in a Man Suit: ''(overlapping voices speaking concurrently)'' (TITLE: Four hundred and ninety six minutes later...) (Cut to Jerk in a gift shop puppeteering a Dumbo plush while drinking water) Don DiMello: ''(with Dumbo lip-synching)'' So anyway, yeah, that's my first memory of watching that whore get shot, I don't believe she was of any use to the whorehouse anymore after that... Jerk: 'Wait, what am I doing?! ''(throws Dumbo on the floor) ''Let's start out with the Halloween makeover that goes away soonest, ''Space Mountain Ghost Galaxy! (Cut to the intro to "Space Ghost: Coast to Coast", and then cut to Space Ghost's interview with Thom Yorke of Radiohead) 'Space Ghost: '''I'm a kniiiiiiiife... knifin' arooooooound... ''(makes slicing sounds as he inches closer) cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut... (Cut to various clips of SMGG) 'Jerk: v/o '''What really amazes me about ''Space Mountain Ghost Galaxy is how much man just to kick? for how little money was spent on it. They don't change the coaster track at all... not that they need to, I mean, Space Mountain is one of the best rides they have at the resort Star Wars blaster is pointed to his head by Spazz '''Spazz: You read the Bible, Jerk? Category:Some Jerk With a Camera Transcripts